ABDU KIYAGA | FROM THE OUTSIDE IN
COLUMN–Dear Donald Trump, the President of the mighty United States of America, I would like to apologise on behalf of Ugandans, especially we the citizens of Mengo-Kisenyi, for the rain of hell you were subjected to in the United Kingdom.
It is all over news here that those UK spoiled brats flew an inflated white and orange helium over London, and the most annoying thing is that it made a delayed stop over the Winston Churchill statue. I mean the freaking Winston Churchill. His skeleton must have moved an inch in awe!
Can you imagine the darn helium effigy was designed to look like an angry baby complete with nappies and safety pin? Those ungrateful Brits didn’t forget a thing as they had to add even a smartphone in Twitter mode–in the helium’s hand.
If we put the nation to a standstill when a South Korean criminal visited us, imagine how much more we will be willing to do for you, POTUS? We will cover all roads with a red carpet such that no sight of dust or mud will be visible as you traverse the city
I was looking at the reasons those twats were protesting your visit to that tiny ‘island,’ and it’s all nonsensical. POTUS Donald Trump, here are the few things we are willing to do for you if you accept to come the Pearl-cum-Peril of Africa.
If we put the nation to a standstill when a South Korean criminal visited us, imagine how much more we will be willing to do for you, POTUS? We will cover all roads with a red carpet such that no sight of dust or mud will be visible as you traverse the city.
I know you’re not used to this but we will close all roads to the city centre. From Bwaise to Namugona, all routs on the Northern by pass.
Don’t worry, POTUS, I know Bill and Hillary have told you about the little Kampala-Entebbe highway how it is tiny as the back roads in DC but that is stale news, we have the new Express Expressway where your Beast and its motorcade will enjoy the cool breeze from the swamp. By the way, we will be able to move this road along to places that you will visit.
For instance, if you decide to visit Kamuli to see what jiggers really look like, Entebbe Expressway will be moved all the way to Busoga. If you doubt, just come here and witness firsthand the wonders of NRM.
In Uganda, we do not tolerate anything called protest. Even guys who decide to walk to work, as long as they want to do it in protest, that, we do not tolerate. There are analog 999 pickup trucks at the ready to pick such fellows. Those British are so spoiled, they are protesting during work hours, they should have been arrested, idle and disorderly charges pressed against them.
Meanwhile, you carried your secret service to the UK and go with it everywhere. But here you won’t need that. Ours is a nation so conscious about security that even mere mortals like MPs crying about their safety and now they will be accorded ‘sharp shooters’ whose security itself will also be guaranteed with bullet proof pick up trucks.
In case you are wondering, sharp shooters are supposedly what you guys in DC call snipers. Apparently, they operate best in concealment out there but our president, who hosted the Queen twice, two popes, Bill and that wife of his that you humiliated, among others, believes they can work on moving trucks and spot targets moving on bodas without electronic number plates and electronic numbers on their helmets.
Why go to the ungrateful Britain when such advancement in technology you will only see here? Imagine they are up in arms over your lack of tolerance to protocol and claiming you walked in from of the Queen while inspecting a guard of honour. What nonsense! It’s the treatment you give your beloved Ivanka daily and the Brits are saying what?
In Uganda, we have some idler called Edward Ssekandi, a supposed VP. He is good with weirdo red carpet manners and rest assured not a single Ugandan will care if you trip Ssekandi on the carpet, after all, he will likely walk on the potholes on the side and not step on the carpet.
Did I read somewhere that ourmuzzukulu Ivanka’s clothing line items were quietly banned from stores in Canada? We have a solution for that, she can dump all of them here, we have a flea market every Sunday along Dastur Street, Thursday on railway lines everywhere in the suburbs from Namasuba to Kireka and even Kaburi Stand in Kamuli. But warn her, we don’t want to see her merchandise in downtown malls, that is Chinese territory. No competition.
Mr Number 45, this country will make you forget about those Russian girls that Putin said are the best in the world. You love escorts, they say. We have escorts. You are a racist, they say. We can bleach faster than it takes Uganda Police to respond to an emergency that is not Besigye. Just make sure you visit on a weekend that has Roast N’ Rhyme, Kampala Blankets and Wine or Bakiga Nation.
Oh, there is one worry for you, POTUS, you may not be able to tweet in real time about a Hillary Clinton lookalilke you just spotted downtown because I don’t think you paid your OTT tax and we have not fully moved away from the cash economy. You will have to line up for several days at our telecom service centre to register for mobile money as a first step to acquiring data bundles since UCC no longer tolerates scratch cards here.
As we await your request to visit, we are already naming bars and babies after you.