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Sean Oseku: Night in Police cell

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HUMOUR | Sean Oseku’s escapade with his neighbour’s wife would lead many a Anselm of this beach pose straight to Luzira Prison via Buganda Road Court but for now he gets away with it. Here’s how…

It pays to be friends with policemen. Afande Okello heads the small police post in my neighborhood and since we both “catch a swallow” at Michael’s bar, our village bar, we had struck a triad.

I had never seen how the inside of a police cell looks like, save for looking at the building while passing by. But here I was incarcerated in a small dark room with chicken thieves, defilers and some other innocent chaps like me. The first night in the cell, I was clobbered by a guy who had a baritone like voice. Because I couldn’t see him clearly, the guy slapped me and made me his porter for the next 30 minutes. He ordered to lie down so he can use my back as a pillow. However, after my eyes got used to the dark and I could see almost clearly, I saw a young boy seriously bullying me. Yes, you know what happened next.

I practiced rugby tackles on the little man and his wails could have been heard in Robben Islands. I Inherited his sleeping cushion (assembled out of several clothes from the others), and took over the helm of the cell as leader. I had to beat him for two reasons;

One: for disrespecting a big man like me, with hair allover the bottom hole.

Two: That I once went to real schools, by the way I don’t mean the ones who sing “Jubilewo”… I mean the ones with great academic background and extra co-curricular activities; like Tororo College (TC), Ombachi, Manjasi. So I flogged the ‘jama’ while Afande Okello just looked on laughing.

I guess you’re wondering how I ended up in a police cell? Well my neighbour caught me in his house with ‘our’ wife. Technically, she’s his but mine when he’s not around. See, I was separating a fight between the two women in my life at the moment, My neighbour’s wife and Mama Safina (my assistant for some years). But my soldier neighbour wouldn’t listen to my pleas of separating the two women. He thumped me and called the police that he had caught me trying to steal in his house. Those two stupid women just looked on when I was being framed. None of them said a word or even tried to save me from the charged up soldier neighbour.

After a night in the cell and assuming it’s leadership, I was called that I had a visitor. I rushed out thinking my not so resourceful friend, Jethro had come to my rescue. Alas, it wasn’t him but the two incorrigible women. I turned back to walk to my cell but my neighbour’s wife rushed and held my hand.

“I know you hate me right now but please listen,” she begged. Only a fool walks away from a woman who is not shy to chase after you in public. Mama Safina also walked to me and asked if I had had a bath. I just asked them what they wanted. In unison they said they had come to ask for my release. That right there was a peg I had on these women’s hearts. My neighbour’s wife said she had recorded a statement that I was at the house helping them solve a dispute with Mama Safina and not that I was actually in there to rob them.

I was released on bond and asked to report after two days. I asked my neighbor’s wife, what her husband thought? She said I leave her to handle her husband. She drove us back home but along the way asked Mama Safina to disembark because she was not going to our compound again. Of course Mama Safina was hesitant but obliged.

At home, she had organized me breakfast for two as a way of apologizing for not doing anything to save me from the beatings from her husband. I think my neighbor’s wife wants me 6ft under. Who does that? But she allayed my fears by calling her idiot to confirm where he was. The idiot answered that he was approaching Gulu town.

Like a hungry jailbird, I dived into the meal. All this while, she was looking at me with a subtle smile escaping her lips, showing her nice teeth. I asked why she was smiling? She said, “Nothing”. After the meal she told me she had also prepared me a nice warm bath. I went in and dayumm the water was warm and sweet that it tickled me skin pleasurably.

As I was enjoying the bath, she walked into the shower with her towel, covering her breasts downwards and seductively looking at me with her almost blurry eyes. My heart was racing faster than Lewis Hamilton’s car; I just could not believe how my lucky stars had struck. And in any case, everyman needs a little attention and pampering.

As soon as she dipped one leg into the tub, there was a bang on door. it was her soldier husband. My stomach just started aching and in the moment, my life flashed before me. I jumped out in my Adam’s suit and straight for the ceiling. My neighbour’s wife splashed water on herself hastily and went for the door.

The suspicious husband smelt a rat and asked who is in the house with her? She said she was alone and was in the shower. The guy inspected the house, room by room, corner by corner. My watery footsteps gave me away; they stopped somewhere just below the ceiling opening.

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