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Sean Oseku: Enter the hot nyaru neighbour

She’s the new breath of life; after my neighbour’s wife stopped talking to me because her soldier husband caught me in his house with her, even though I was just taking a bath in his bathroom and later hiding in the ceiling.

MY NEIGHBOUR’S WIFE | SEAN OSEKU

HUMOUR | Sean Oseku’s escapade with his neighbour’s wife would lead many a Bryan Isiko straight to Luzira Prison via Buganda Road Court but for now he gets away with it.

We are not dating but we are together. We live separately but we’re ride or die persons to each other. We fight like a real couple but there’s nothing official. And we gossip a lot about people as though we are perfect. That’s me and my Hot Nyaru neighbour.

She’s the new breath of life; after my neighbour’s wife stopped talking to me because her soldier husband caught me in his house with her, even though I was just taking a bath in his bathroom and later hiding in the ceiling. I survived jail again because my neighbour’s wife faked a seizure and the hubby rushed her to hospital. That’s how I survived. But ever since then, I’m always hiding or running from my neighbor because he hasn’t yet forgiven me.

Anyway this new Hot Nyaru neighbour is the real deal. She doesn’t have those sort of ‘elephantiasis legs’ like we’re accustomed to seeing from the women from that region. Even though my neighbor’s wife has a bigger tail feather, my Hot Nyaru neighbour has a well-rounded one and the man upstairs could have first taken leave and went on holiday to relax so that he could create her. I mean, this babe is perfect. She has a Beyonce look, Nicki Minaj body, Gladys Knight Voice, Halle Berry smile, Toni Braxton eyes, Tina Turner legs. Her only defect, she’s a blonde.

Our most intellectual conversations rotate around Oil and Gas industry. Only that she thinks its baby oil, hair oil, cooking oil and other body oils. Basically, she’s a typical Kla chic.

Ever since she moved in next to me, I get free meals (of course, she can’t cook, we order from the fast food outlets), free laundry (she has a washing machine), and free care (she has no one else to give it to but me). Even though her house looked more comfortable than mine, she always preferred mine during the night till morning.

One evening I returned from town and found a cool Range Rover parked in the compound and this time my neighbor’s wife was standing outside her balcony but didn’t say a word like it has been for sometime. Well we had not said a word to each other ever since I was caught in her house and also I was fully distracted by my new Hot Nyaru neighbor. Like I boss, I walked into my Hot Nyaru neighbour’s house. There was a fat man with a big belly, in only a vest and somehow a ram shackled face, big head, small legs (yeah let me finish this jealous rant), seated and enjoying a massage from my Hot Nyaru Neighbour.

“Ohhh honey meet my brother, the one I told you about” she said with faked excitement and a wink to get me to play along…. “who the F**k is your brother” I spoke to myself silently in my mind. But I had to fake a smile. Now I know why in the garden of Eden, Adam is portrayed as a fool, he just accepted to be used by a woman. “Oh Muko, nice to finally meet you”, said the idiot with a big stomach (I’m still jealous ‘beefing’ mode). “Nice to meet you too, sorry for interrupting your leisure time with my sister, I will return shortly” I mumbled to them and left.

Immediately I stepped out of her door, my neighbor’s wife who was still standing at her balcony burst into uncontrollable laughter like some witch in a poorly produced African movie. Well it felt like she had scored 3-0 against me in the dying minutes of the game and there was no comeback. I walked into my house like a dog with its tail in between its hind legs, feeling so hurt and broken.

Minutes later, our gate swung open and another monster ride parked. Then another 3 minute later, sounds of two big men exchanging heavy words. My Hot Nyaru neighbour rushed to my house to ask for my help in separating the two men from tearing each other. I just looked at her with anger, how can she have the guts to continue with the disrespect.

But then the sound from her house was like two elephants fighting. I jumped out and went to her house while she stayed out. Big fat guy was on the floor while new guy was seated on him with punches raining. I pulled them apart and ‘viola’, new other guy is my boss at some firm that I part time. Damn this Hot Nyaru neighbor has a collection of men and weirdly; I’m one of them.

The two rich men, tell by the cars they drove and because I know my boss, started the childish game of who has more money and the other disputed, that they should both use cash money to boil a saucepan of beans till they get ready.

“Who birthed these idiots?, I thought to myself. Anyway I asked them to leave because there was a crowd that already gathered and next is gossip mongers (the media) will be there soon. They obliged and each drove out of the compound. Then I turned to my Hot Nyaru neighbor, who was now standing with my Neighbor’s wife watching the proceedings. Looked at her and walked away. She ran after me, “babe please let me explain…” she begged me.

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