Kabinda Otafaya: If Museveni and Kagame don’t talk, consider them failures

DISCLAIMER: The characters and events in this parody column are fictitious. Any resemblance to an individual or event are accidental and of no intention of the producers.

Every weekend, we sit down Kabinda Otafaya, the minister for natural justice in the Republic of Uganja, in this new column, ‘Bat Philosophy,’ to discuss topical issues that trended during the week as seen from a bat’s view. Only Otafaya can see things this straight.

Welcome to this weekend’s segment of the show

I didn’t have a choice. Apparently, being a public servant means I should abandon everything and come here and discuss issues that cannot determine how the Shilling performs on the market.

Sendo Cleaners

So if you were the governor of Bank of Uganda, how would you ensure a stable and strong Shilling?

Ever been a farmer? As a farmer, do you gain produce by leaving the decisions to the witches called meteorologists? I would run the bank without interference from the Executive.

Do you mean the Executive makes decision on Mutebile’s decisions?

Go and ask him. I’m Kabinda Otafaya, not Mutebile.

What would you have done if faced with the same issue as Gen Kyaligonza? Beat up the traffic cop?

I was born Kabinda Otafaya and I’ve never tried to live like someone else. The incident involved another person, not me. Why should I try to imagine things? I live in reality, my friend. Imagination is for bettors.

But let’s just assume it was you in that very scenario

[Jeers]. Wacha ujanja ya sungura (stop the clever of a rabbit). I’ve told you I don’t imagine things. I don’t want to imagine being stopped by an ignorant traffic officer, let alone engaging in a scuffle with a nobody in the middle of a busy road. I cannot try to imagine such nonsense. By the way, Otafaya does not live in Kyaligonza’s brain. Stop asking me things that makes it look like Kyaligonza has a convertible head, like for these luxury cars, so that he can lower the roof and insert Otafaya there to think. No, I cannot imagine things.

Don’t you think the Uganda-Rwanda sour relations have gone too far this time round?

Ask Kutesa and Oryem, that’s their docket.

But there are war drums and he’s not a soldier. He doesn’t know war drums

I saw Ofwono Opondo speaking authoritatively about the same. What military rank has he? Or did you think that the incident in Uchumi was a pipping ceremony?

But there is a crisis in our hands

I didn’t create any crisis. The ministry of natural justice has nothing to do with closing of borders. And I can assure you that there is no crisis whatsoever. Just some two generals playing chess. When they are out of moves, what will be left on the board are the kings standing. Then you will see them smiling like lottery winners and shaking hands. So what crisis is there? Has the sun stopped rising because Rwanda has blocked a few trucks at the border and asked its citizens not to come and beg in Uganda?

As a comrade of the two erstwhile comrades, would you bring them to the dais?

If two adults should ever need another adult to make them talk, to make them discuss issues that affect their nations, to make them focus on progress, then consider them failures. However, I advice Ugandans and Rwandans to focus on what concerns them and leave issues of heads of state to heads of state.

Will you contest for MP seat in 2021 or should we consider you done with that side of politics?

And if I said yes, will you be my funder? I don’t live a fantasy. I’m so real. Discussing 2021 is fantasy. I heard that many celebrated when I lost, are you one of them so that you start rehearsing your dance moves?

A South African pastors claims to have raised a man from the dead…

Oh? That is good.

Do you believe such things?

Yes, I do. I believe its pit-latrine stuff. Total rubbish. If I had the powers, I would lock up all pastors and throw the key in the ocean.

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