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Kabinda Otafaya: Do I look like a mouse to grab public land?

DISCLAIMER: The characters and events in this parody column are fictitious. Any resemblance to an individual or event are accidental and of no intention of the producers.

Every weekend, we sit down Kabinda Otafaya, the minister for natural justice in the Republic of Uganja, in this new column, ‘Bat Philosophy,’ to discuss topical issues that trended during the week as seen from a bat’s view. Only Otafaya can see things this straight.

It’s a pleasure to be hosting you, Mr Minister

Yes, I know. You’ve been on my case with such the dedication that Kiwanda’s game with those girls would look like a child’s play.

Sendo Cleaners

Not really. But talking of Kiwanda, what is your view on Miss Curvy?

Miss what? What is Miss Curvy? Young man, you said we would discuss issues. You’re asking a distinguished minister to speak about Miss Curvy, what will ghetto kids do if I indulge in their excitement topics?

But it’s a government project and you are in government

So I should start commenting on what happens in pit-latrines in Tororo whenever an RDC goes to ease himself? There is separation of powers, there are things Otafaya cannot be associated with.

There is public concern that public officials are arrogant to the moon and back. The latest manifestation was of the one saying “I don’t give a damn, you can even report to God.”

Wait, wait, wait… The government has a spokesperson. His name is not Kabinda Otafaya [laughter]. You can put that question to the right person. If he doesn’t respond, sue him.

But you still can reflect on your colleague’s conduct…

What? People react from different stimuli, what if she was denied sex and he is still angry over this? [laughs and wipes tears from his eyes] I don’t have the background to his issues with the lady judge. But if you asked me, I know how to treat a woman right and what to do when I overshoot this square head of mine.

You resigned after pulling a gun on a woman, but you also hurt one

Who was that?

The name eludes me now but…

Yes, next time do your homework. Leave allegations to lumpen.

She took you to court for child support issues

Mavi ya kuku! Next you will ask whom I slept with in the jungles of Luwero in 1983. Is this a malwa joint? Please, Otafaya is a very busy man. Let’s not use our valuable time to do nothing.

Not exactly. What do you think of Mao and Nambooze fruit spats?

Mao is a good man. No, let’s just say ‘was.’ He was a good man. We wanted him to join government and use his brilliant ideas to serve the people. But Mao thought that having ancestors who worked in the mortuary meant he could resurrect a dead party [laughter].

His ancestors worked in the mortuary?

Go ask him.

But it’s you who brought that up

So what? Will you sue me?

Would you call Nankabirwa a watermelon over divergence of ideas in the party?

No, I would eat the watermelon. Fruits are healthy.

And if she called you a pumpkin?

I would buy her pumpkins.

So what advice do you have for Mao and Nambooze?

Let them join my party. Fruits should be eaten, not thrown at people.

But your party just blocked all avenues for competition by investing in a one-man vision

So whom did we block? The so-called party rebels? They are broke. They just paid all their January salary in fees for their children and for children of their side dishes. So they will make a lot of noise to gain attention.

Is that how your party operates?

The party does not operate. The people do. And, to borrow from Mao and Nambooze who speak in fruit decibels, we have a lot of cabbages in the party. We’re tired of these people. We’ve told them that the old man was sent by God so that is it.

But you don’t believe in God yourself

Don’t say you live in my head to know what I believe in now, eh?

Are you too comfortable in government?

No, I’m the minister for natural justice.

There are fresh reports that you have grabbed government land?

Are there also expired, old reports?

Many, actually. You grabbed public land in Jinja, according to a report in 2017. And others.

So what did those reports find? Where did it end? Was I convicted for land grab? Kabinda Otafaya was born with one life. He will die with one life. And be buried in a grave that can accommodate just him alone. So why should Otafaya be clamouring for land here and there? Do you think I eat land? Do I look like a mouse that sleeps underground to grab public land? These report, gasiya kabisa!

And if they summon you to a probe?

I will go. I go and turn my pockets inside-out to prove to them that I don’t move around with land from Jinja, sujui Mutungo. Hawo ni watumbavu tu!

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