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Dear Ugandan assassins, don’t threaten MPs’ maids, shamba boys

COLUMN | SEAMAN’S BAR CODE

DEAR UGANDAN ASSASSINS, please do not target anyone close to our MPs. There is no time or room for ‘why’ here; just spare the taxpayers any further burden that the president might “miscommunicate” in earnest.

Just to be clear, it’s not just any assassins I’m addressing here, but the ones who go around bumping off public officials for whatever reasons, leaving Police working tireless without ever getting to the bottom of things.

Whenever Ugandan Assassins have come to town on assignment and left a trail of blood, Ugandans have always been left in fear at what 1986 has brought this country. However, witness accounts suggest that the only collateral damage you guys have dealt are on bodyguards of targets–maybe because they would be expected to fight back or whatever.

Witness accounts from former MP Ibrahim Abiriga shooting suggest scene suggest that Ugandan Assassins casually asked onlookers to get back indoors and let them do their job. That you didn’t want to spill the blood of non-targets is commendable.

However, Ugandans are getting to bear the brunt of your actions despite never being party to them. You see, the man who assented to a bill without knowing about its implications and later had his organs “miscommunicate” stuff earlier this week “miscommunicated” again to the effect our constituency-sized MPs will all have military ‘sharp shooters’ and armoured personnel carriers at their disposal.

Why? Just because a couple of them went to the old man in tears claiming that their lives were in danger and that police guards assigned to them now fear to be with them as Ugandan Assassins would not blink twice before exhausting a magazine on them.

Our MPs only think for themselves and the old man spoils them. This entitlement to sharp shooters and armoured personnel carrier will cost my tired mother more than half her wrinkles and that burden will spill on her grandchildren. It is the same for every other Ugandan.

Now, imagine if a maid, shamba boy, or a dog of an MP felt threatened, won’t the man with lots of cows and coffee that earn instant dollars open more cash vaults to order for Genetically Modified Guard Dogs to guard guard dogs of MPs?

You threaten a milk man delivering to an MP’s wife and the next thing they will have a 40-car convoy delivering the milk. You threaten their maid and a platoon of battle hardened Amisom troops will be flown straight to the home of an MP after their tour of duty in Somalia to guard the maid and the shamba boy.

As taxpayers, we cannot die standing. It’s only naturally to expire horizontally. We are living on the edge, a time where if one of the MPs contracted HIV after a condom malfunctioned during a luncheon tryst, they would take the matter to House and agree to set aside a chunk of the National Budget toward the purchase of metallic condoms that won’t break or allow infections.

We can’t take chances. Do not threaten milkmen and maids of MPs.

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